It hurts.

Knowing I'm hurting the people I care about. Im lost. Yet to think of it im lonely, knowing I cannot unfold these secrets floating, lingering and tearing my heart into pieces. I wish I could just forget about everything after a long sleep, though that's all I do, nothing seems to work. The older i get, the more pain I suffer from, knowing even the dearest people I try to keep, somehow are the ones I push away. Im weak, yet I can cover its foulness and pretend everything is fine when all I want to do is run away and weep for hours because that's what Im good at. I cry when i get hurt, i cry when im alone, i cry when it hurts, i cry when its too much, i cry when no one listens, i cry because i have to, i cry because.. i want to. Im glad i can, just burst out and i feel good after each sessions. But i know i have to do something sooner or later. But i dont know where to start.

Im suffering and you dont even have a single idea or even the slightest clue. Either because youre dumb, numb or maybe both. I know. It's been almost 6 years when i finally realize the obvious unfairness you serve in front of me. You dare to control my life when you dont even know whats going on in it. You're all about perfection, but absorb the painful truth that nothing is even close to being perfect. Im sorry Im not what you want me to be. You raised me well, but there was one thing you sucked at. I wish i could just talk to you about everything, i wish you'd act as if youre interested, even a slight hint of joy when I tell you the good things I did. In your eyes, Im strong, you taught me how. But i need more than that, i need your affection. I miss you. When u left me for a short period of time, and came back.. The real you didn't come back to me. You're just the doppelganger of the one that really cared for me, the one that knows how to show her unconditional love. You're a fraud. But why did you leave me :( Now im almost stepping out to the real side of the world, and i need your hand. I need you more than ever.