blurry.

I love how when everything is just so unexplainable, I turn to my ipod, search for songs, the right song that matches what I totally feel and it hits right there where it just summarizes everything that I want to say but I cant. So it's like a secret getaway that relaxes every nerve in my body and just let everything be. Even the songs that does not contain lyrics, the beat just somehow captivates me and lets me loose. What would I do if the world didnt have any music, if I didnt have this getaway, I honestly cant imagine how I would be able to calm myself.

There's so many things I want to say but just comes out in the wrong way and i wish it could have been left unsaid but what about my feelings? I talk because I thought its a way to make things better but I was deceived. There's just some things that are better left unsaid and I should have just kept it all to myself, so no one will have to go through it with me. Just like how it used to be. I wish I could just go back to that, but its getting harder and harder each time. Part of me, dont wanna lose myself but at the same I dont wanna lose what I have. But in life, sacrifices are ought to be made and that is what is chewing me alive bit by bit. I can feel it every day, as I feel like Im losing the one that I want the most just because of me being myself. Is this double consciousness or im just over analyzing things? I wish I could talk to a random person that does not know anything about me and just listen to what I have in mind and not judge me. I wish I could be just exactly what you want, so I wont be left here thinking and questioning myself with dumb things that lead me nowhere but just in circles. In a maze where im just gonna get lost and confused, then in the long run when I know I at least tried, I may still have a bigger chance of losing and not finding my way out. And the worst part is.. Im going to be all alone because no one understands me.

So ill leave my oblivious thoughts to this song called blurry by puddle of mudd.

Everything's so blurry and everyone's so fake
And everybody's empty and everything is so messed up.
Pre-occupied without you, I cannot live at all.
My whole world surrounds you, I stumble and I crawl.

You could be my someone, you could be my scene
You know I'll protect from all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing, imagine where you are
there's oceans in between us, but that's not very far

Can you take it all away?
Well you shoved it in my face, this pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away?
Well you shoved it in my face.

Everyone is changing, theres no one left thats real
So make up your own ending, and let me know just how you feel
Cause I am lost without you, I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you, I stumble and I crawl

And you could be my someone, you could be my scene
You know that i'll protect you from all of the unclean
I wonder what you're doing, I wonder where you are
There's oceans in between us, but that's not very far

Nobody told what you thought, nobody told me what to say
Everyone showed me where to turn, told you when to runaway
Nobody told me where to hide, nobody told me what to say
Everyone showed me where to turn, showed you when to runaway

If I didnt love you this much, I could have just run away right from the start, but I just cant. Because then if I did, Id be left in the dark questioning myself what could have happened if I stayed. Now that I stay, Im still in the dark questioning myself what else do I have to do to make you wanna stay, what should i do to make you go back to how you used to be, how it all used to be when everything felt so great and right, now it feels like its about to end. I honestly want to feel like you need me still, but its impossible when now youre up there and down here and I'm nowhere near you. Call it selfish, but it just felt so much better when you needed me and actually wanted me to stay.