You're My You.

You're my you by Nyoy Volante

I thought I could just do it all by myself. I thought it would be easier if we just go our separate ways. I thought i would be better off without you. I thought I can face the world without you, without your love. I thought I can do it by myself. I thought you don't need me. I thought they were right that I should narrow down the things that i need to focus on and eliminate you. I thought I'm forgetting about myself. I thought if I continue to fall for you more, I'll neglect myself. I fuckin thought.

But. I've come to the conclusion that i WAS so wrongfully self-centered. All i thought about.. was ME. Consequently, I would blame it all on the things I've witnessed before me. That led me to think this way, that made me so easy-going that I let everything slip away without even noticing. Good thing I didn't lose that one that I wanted and needed the most.

You.

I always knew that i WANT you. That i NEED you. That you're my definition of perfect. You absolutely have something unique that I should keep all to myself. Something that I would not want to share. That something is your heart. Baby, I knew I LOVE you long before you were even mine. I knew it all in the back of my mind, that I'd do anything for you, for us.

But. Somehow I got scared. Real scared. You're that one that I would always want to be a part of me, one that I don't ever ever ever want or dare even think about losing. It doesn't even make any sense. I mean I wanted you so much that if I'll lose you later on, a part of me will subside, half of me will die. "Later on?" Wtf right? I'm sorry you had to deal with my weaknesses. I hate how I had to hurt you so much just because I was selfish. Omg, looking back I'm fuckin stupid for even thinking about ending it with you.

Josue Gabriel Trejo

And as I promised you that I'll give you the universe, I'll keep my word. I will love you like no other. Cause I know you would give back the world to me. A world where happiness will fill the air, with love deeper than the great oceans, with the warmth of your touch that will keep me safe, and with our unbreakable bond that will withstand the test of time..

As cheesy I can be, damn i am sprung.

Everyday I wake up, first thing I think of.. is YOU. Gosh I miss your lips babe. I miss holding your hands while we go for a ride. I miss just talking to you about everything, anything. I miss how we used to hang out everyday. I miss just kissing you trying to make you shut up. I miss all your hilarious stories. I miss you my listener. I miss how you calm me down when I'm furious or sad. I fuckin miss you damnit.

I wanna see you already.
And yes, I want you forever babe.

Im hungry for extreme spontaneity.

When i met Melody during my flight to Taipei, she opened doors for me, she inspired me to live life as if everything simple can turn out to be an awesome adventure. The trip to Taiwan for a night, priceless. Endless walks, night markets, friendly and welcoming taiwanese people, awesome food, humid weather, foul street odor, tasty eggs, yummy street food, greatest boba and black jelly of my life, taiwan dollars (NT), mandarin language, nice hotel, cheap everything. Thats when it finally hit me, fuck i have a boring life.

Here i am, my second week in Hong Kong, everything is just so fuckin annoying! The weather! Everybody's busy, everybody's moody. This isn't what i expected, this is so the opposite.

Please someone save me from this insanity!!!!!!!

Im like full of energy right now, but im forced to lay down already. Be bored out of my mind another sleepless night, ugggggggh then no one's going to be home tomorrow. Shit.

Plus the mosquito bites fuuuuuuuuck!!!! stop it already:(

helpppppppppppppppppp?

It hurts.

Knowing I'm hurting the people I care about. Im lost. Yet to think of it im lonely, knowing I cannot unfold these secrets floating, lingering and tearing my heart into pieces. I wish I could just forget about everything after a long sleep, though that's all I do, nothing seems to work. The older i get, the more pain I suffer from, knowing even the dearest people I try to keep, somehow are the ones I push away. Im weak, yet I can cover its foulness and pretend everything is fine when all I want to do is run away and weep for hours because that's what Im good at. I cry when i get hurt, i cry when im alone, i cry when it hurts, i cry when its too much, i cry when no one listens, i cry because i have to, i cry because.. i want to. Im glad i can, just burst out and i feel good after each sessions. But i know i have to do something sooner or later. But i dont know where to start.

Im suffering and you dont even have a single idea or even the slightest clue. Either because youre dumb, numb or maybe both. I know. It's been almost 6 years when i finally realize the obvious unfairness you serve in front of me. You dare to control my life when you dont even know whats going on in it. You're all about perfection, but absorb the painful truth that nothing is even close to being perfect. Im sorry Im not what you want me to be. You raised me well, but there was one thing you sucked at. I wish i could just talk to you about everything, i wish you'd act as if youre interested, even a slight hint of joy when I tell you the good things I did. In your eyes, Im strong, you taught me how. But i need more than that, i need your affection. I miss you. When u left me for a short period of time, and came back.. The real you didn't come back to me. You're just the doppelganger of the one that really cared for me, the one that knows how to show her unconditional love. You're a fraud. But why did you leave me :( Now im almost stepping out to the real side of the world, and i need your hand. I need you more than ever.

I'd be lost in space... without you.

Lost in Space by Sitti Navarro/Lighthouse Family

I feel as if everyday is on fast-forward. Another issue of unfairness. But who is to blame, when we, ourselves, are responsible for hesitating to do certain things and make the best out of what we have. In the depths of my heart and mind, I still wish I can rewind way back when we looked more of a family, with a complete set of parents and children. Impossible. I blame myself for seeing other unimportant things than the radical changes. Big word = CHANGE, oh yes indeed. Something that i can be good at but mostly bad at. In the long run, it made me stronger that stopped the always cry-myself-to-sleep routine.

Life is hard, but I enjoy it anyways. For now I'm lost. From the subject of who, what, where, when, and how to choose. Because soon after high school, everything will be affected, i mean literally everything i got, which isn't that much at the moment. I act as if everything's fine, but everything's just against me right now. Importantly, I should put myself first before anyone else.

One thing's for sure right now, I wanna fly. I wanna get out of this place, and just let loose and travel the world.

The opportunity of going to Hong Kong changed my outlook and my perspective on everything. It's amazing how one crowded city, endless shopping, two-floored risky buses, scary drivers, curry fishballs, hot pot spareribs, 7/11 vs K-mart, club 7, Watsons vs Mannings, skyscapers, clubs/bars, loose curfew, cigarettes, vodka/tequila shots, beer, iced lemon tea, milk tea, dim sum, ghetto food places, bright lights, awesome night life, stinky tofu, the power of an octopus card, hot spots for my nikon, both nasty and pleasant restrooms, mango sago, red bean milk drink, chocolate milk, my dad's cooking, my auntie's accent, bonding time with syoti = priceless, vs shampoo, pantene conditioner, tiny apartments, bad-tempered people, second-hand smoke, new friendship, and in two weeks can dramatically affect me.

I guess I have enough time to think about what I really want to do with my life. I like to rush things, waiting is annoying but necessary. Sadly but true.

Wow I lived after a car accident. Amazing, but damn!!!!! Ughh another horrifying event, the massive earthquake in Haiti =( so sad. Take time to pray for the lost souls.